Love is a phrase used to much that words can not express
Why such a feeling of deep emotions can bring out so much stress.
It’s a shame that such big words can mean so little in this, our modern day.
What was once so passionate is now so average and normal for us to say.
While the word has grown out dated I really don’t mean to fuss,
But a toned down word, idle and and dry, could never describe us.
-Hayden Leitzke
-Hayden Leitzke
The days pass on with lament eyes caressing a painted memory like a solemn
affection. The lights of the city flared once, then drown in the lake of
inferno. A petty cry out for rejoice to a false hope embraced the people like
cancer, and the song in their eyes pleaded for a composer. In a covenant, yet
deathly arcane love we stood, the image of your eyes glazed in to mine, we
watched time pass like a fallen star. I kissed you and together we left the
universe. The blood in our romance was flowing, drifting like an unending
river. The affection of your kiss and the warmth of your touch could poison the
heart of millions with the intoxication of your lips. With an unending love we
kissed eternity, and watched the world below us shatter to pieces in a stagnant
oblivion. It was a feeling only the immortals could comprehend, an aura of
inevitable compassion which shaped every cell in the blood of our romance. Your
heart played church, and my eyes played the forgiven.
-Hayden Leitzke
The moments I have to myself , moments where nothing at all can break my inner thoughts and wreck my concentration, those moments could be deadly for me. A few hours ago I found myself in a moment as previously stated. I realized a lot in that moment. I lead a life of complete and udder displeasure. For instance, it’s very hard for me to be religious, mainly because I can’t even grab hold of life, much less the after-life. It’s killing me because I want to full heartedly believe there is something better out there for me, but something keeps killing me inside. In other words, the bad is grossly out weighing the good. I feel that in 18 years of existence, this is as good as it’s going to get, and I hate it so what is that saying? I can’t just live a normal life. I can’t go through elementary, middle school, and high school like every one else, for Hayden Leitzke, every thing just has to be a spiraling helix leading straight to hell on earth. I can’t tell people when I’m graduating, because honestly, I don’t think the GED should count as such. I’m not saying getting it is a bad decision, it just doesn’t seem right for me. I could have accomplished so much more, but I had to be me. The doctors diagnosed me with all these disorders, and loaded me up with drugs, and I hate that. It’s like telling me you aren’t good enough for this world so we’ll make you better. So they give me all these pills, and so far that has fixed nothing. I full heartedly believe that if the world didn’t tell me something was wrong, there would have never been a problem in the first place. I have a very very fragile mind, and over the course of my life thus far, it has been corrupt with lies. And because of those lies, I have become what I am today, and because of this; important life decisions effecting my life can’t be made alone, nor could they be taken seriously. I might as well be a senior citizen trapped in the confines of a mind that is hanging on to existence by a thread. I don’t expect any one to understand what I’m going through, I just hope some one cares enough to read this and at least attempt to understand me. It’s a cluster of emotional distress thrown together out of pure hatred for my life. I hate the way things are looking for me. I need help, but I don’t think anyone on earth has the ability to do so. Signed, A lifeless waste of 18 years.
He can’t make it by himself.
He sees the pictures on his shelf.
The days he missed and loved now here.
The girl that has his heart sincere.
She glances at smiles he passes by.
She has no idea he wont say goodbye.
Every once in a little blue moon,
When our eyes are alligned,
And our hearts are in tune.
Every once in a vast open sea,
When all I need is you,
And all you need is me.
Every once in a walk on the beach,
When the ocean draws near,
And is never out of reach.
Every once in bright sunny day,
When you leave me speechless,
And I have something to say.
Every once in the pooring rain,
When I feel all alone,
And you take away the pain.
Every once in dream of mine.
I feel like I’m flying,
And I know I’m just fine.
A moon stained crimson like claret in the night
Descending from heaven was that crimson light
It’s captivating brilliance soon swallowed by the aphotic
Flickering between clouds, its light grew hypnotic
An abstract remedy painted in red
Not single moment was left unsaid
Through the clouds the crimson grew dim
It was then the light flourished grim
Washed away was this beautiful light
Consumed by the oblivious and flushed with white
The light was altered ghostly pale
What was once is just a fairy tale.
Copyright Hayden Leitzke 2008
As all humans do,I started off care-free,my how things have changed.My name is Hayden Leitzke,and here is a little bio on my “Fairy-tale”.As a toddler I had the night terrors which were basically the worst nightmares a toddler could think of.My parents had to run into my room alot at night because I would fall off my bed from tossing and turning do to fear and then on my back I would crawl backwards until I hit the wall,mind you I was still sleeping during these abhorrent occasions.I can’t explain why,but from then on I began hallucinating,at that age it meant nothing to me,however as I grew older,things got alittle different.These hallucinations began seeming more and more devestating and real.I never wanted to tell anyone including family for fear of non-belief or to be titled crazy.It was about when I was 10 that things went way down-hill.I couldn’t explain it at the time,but for some reason,I would get bursts of rage.One night I had discovered one of my Dad’s knives he had for diving,it was a really sharp knife.I can remember holding that knife and thinking about ending the non-stop torture my life was bound to.My parents had just bought me a computer for my uncle,and I loved that computer.My parents had thought that since I had just got the computer the reason for me staying up until 6:00am or later was obvious.While they may have thought that I was always on the computer this late,I was really plotting my death,and it was the same blade I would stare at hours on end.We then moved to Winter Haven which is my current location,and things were everything I expected and less.I went to middle school,and I would love to tell you that things got better,but you guessed it,they didn’t.I hung out with the wrong crowd for the most part.Most of my freinds were on drugs,which fortunately I never tried.It was then that I had learned about Cutting,the most popular form of showing depression,by exchanging the mental pain to the physical.If I could explain as to why I started cutting,my life would be much easier,it is just something that you start doing,and eventually it becomes addicting.7th grade came,and so did a new desperate attempt by my parents,sending me to a new school.One would think that a Christian school would be the solution,a place that would love me and help me through my struggling.Wrong.This Christian school actually turned me Satanic.It was then that I became possessed.Hollywood,as we all know,likes to throw things way out of the context,when I say ‘Possessed’ I don’t mean that I had absolutely no control over my body,however I know something Demonic had a firm grip on my heart.Mr.Brown,I will probably never forget that name.He was the main person who ruined me.I was height challenged,and oh boy did he love it.Mind you this is the same school I thought would love me.He would rattle my cage up every day,just because he could.He would call me names,and he would laugh when someone in the class did the same.I had obviously told him to stop it,but he only got more encouraged.Now I would love to tell you that I have forgiven this Man,but some things you just can’t bring your heart to do.To this day I hate him,something I know is wrong to do,but I just cant help it.Finally my parents decided to put me in a place called Peace River,which was a place for all ages to be helped who have either thought about or attempted homocide and/or suicide.This kind of place is often known as a pshyc-ward.This place didn’t have padded walls,or the straight-jackets,but one thing was for sure,they couldn’t help me.Once I was released from Peace River my parents put me into a more decent place.Now when I say decent I don’t mean it was like a hotel,in fact it was way far from it.You had to wake up to needles every day to make sure you werent somehow getting drugs,and basically your bed-time story was the priviledge of getting to hear someone in the next room screaming.There was also room-mates,and mine was there for thoughts of homocide and suicide.Imagine sleeping in the same room with someone like that.now obviously there were many checks for sharp objects,but I do recall accidentally bringing a pencil back into my room,it scared me how easy it was,and I didn’t even mean to do it.After many tests by medical professionals they had finally found the pills that I needed in order to gain sanity.My pills change alot,I’m always having to switch back and forth between different pills.The doctors had confirmed that I was Bipolar,which is a chemical imbalance in my brain,which in most people can make you hyper-active,or make you depressed.For me,I have both,which is a rare case of it,especially at my age,and the age when it became noticable.I will be taking pills for the rest of my life,but if it means living the life of smiles,so be it.I accepted Jesus Christ into my life on November 13th,and things couldn’t have been better.Life was finally worth living again.Thanks for reading,God Bless.
God works in mysterious ways. We’ve all heard that said before. Trust me, if you told me that a few days ago, I’d believe it, but at the same time I’d probably roll my eyes because I’ve heard that so many times throughout my life. Tonight was the first night I have ever talked to God. Don’t get me wrong, I have asked God to work in my life countless times, and he has blessed me in that manner, but never have I just talked to God about my life and how much I love him. I found that God talks back if you’ll let him. Many people don’t give God a chance to tell them anything. Here’s an example of a typical prayer to God based on what I’ve experienced through myself as well through other Christians:
“Dear God, Thank you for this day, Please help me with blankity blank blank. Amen.”
While God did tell us to come to him with our troubles through the Bible, he also wants us to listen to him. Now whats wrong with the prayer above? I didn’t see ANYTHING in it that asked something to the effect of:
“God what do you think I should do in my life?”
Notice the question mark at the end of the prayer? Well, questions are meant to be answered as we all know, so how come no one ever waits for God to answer? Everyone seems to assume God does it, no further questions asked, end of discussion. I think that what God loves the most is talking back to us. And I fully believe if God’s voice was audible, he would have to say over and over:
“Excuse me… I’m trying to talk to you.“
Give God a chance to talk, you and I let our friends and family talk back, why not let our Eternal Father have a say in things? Anyways, this Blog was titled “Seasons. (His Love Letter.)” for a reason. My reason for titling it as such is because of a passage of scripture God lead me to. I can’t make this up, if I’m lying I’m dying. I prayed to God to show me why Someone very very close to me has problems at Home, and God put in my head the words:
“Ecclesiastes 3:1-8“
I don’t think God told me the entire verse for a reason, He wanted me to look it up instead. I think a hands-on experience dominates an Ears-on experience any day. God could have told me the entire scripture, but I think he wanted to set an example for me. Anyways, these verses are as follows:
1-For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
2-A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3-A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4-A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5-A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6-A time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7-A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8-A time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.
What this told me is that no matter how much good there is in life, there will always have to be the bad, there is a time and place for every thing, and there are reasons why that person that means so much to me has these issues at home, God’s plan may not have been revealed in that situation, but based on the scripture above, it will be some day. And I have faith that God will put his word in on that situation. This is why I added in to the Blog title that it is a love letter. He loves us so much that he gives us a plan to protect us, so we don’t have to our selves. That’s how I know my God exists, the air that I breathe is his, and he gives it to me; the water I drink is his, and he lets me drink; the food is his, and he lets me consume it. That’s my God, That’s my Eternal Father. That’s all that I need.
Thanks for reading,
Hayden Leitzke
Hey everyone!
I thought I was way past due (as usual) for a blog. (I smell a trend?)
Anyways, Today was a very good day… and then I woke up. School was boring as usual, And the idiots yelling the stupid Obama rap song made things more fun (sarcasm). Once we (and by we I mean Amber and I) were released from the confines of Life Skill we decided to go to the mall for some god-forsaken reason. For all of you people outside of the sunshine state, Eagle Ridge mall sucks. We probably stayed there for about an hour tops, just walking around. Amber and I decided to just go back to our homes, so we headed outside for the city bus, and thats where the fun began. Some kids from my school got on the bus with us, as well as a blonde-haired, blue-eyed 48-year-old lady. The kids from school sat in the back, Amber and I in the middle, and this woman in the front of the bus. The kids in the back were dropping the F-bomb left and write, swearing after every few words etc., and out of nowhere I saw this lady turn around at these kids, and she said quite possibly the most heroic thing ever.
“Shut the f*** up, I had to listen to you idiots the whole ride up to the mall now zip it.”
Now, there was 3 things I left out about the kids in the back.
1. They were these pretty tough looking African Americans
2. They were all between 17-20
3. There was 7 of them… yeah… seven.
So if your thinking they freaked out and blew up on her, well… your absolutely correct. They got loud, they made threats, everything you’d expect to happen before getting the crap kicked out of you. And if your thinking that this woman turned back around and started praying for her life, your way off. In fact, she was egging them on. She told them to sit in the back of the bus (referring to Rosa Parks in the 1950′s) and a lot of other racist statements. Although she claimed to have a black boyfriend (who she said could kick all of their ***es by himself), so she couldn’t have been racist.
Let’s do a quick recap.
Black people swearing, Lady tells them to be quiet very bluntly, Black people throw a fit, and there’s me laughing my *** off. Now I am not one for racism, but I’m all for respect of others which is why I agreed with this Lady when she was telling them to be quiet, because honestly, I didn’t want to hear their trash talking the whole bus ride home either. I didn’t get involved in any of this until about the time Amber got off the bus. I went to sit with this lady (which by the way is writing a book) and I asked her what kind of book she’s writing. She told me that it was about her traveling around the world on a gray-hound bus and the people she met, and what they were like, she didn’t go too in-depth with the description, but I eventually found out that she was in-fact a very nice lady, who only said all of that stuff to see how those kids would react, mainly for material for her book. She told me that she respects nationalities, and religions etc. (but she was in fact serious about the “Shut the **** up part), and she told me about her trips around the world and the kind of people she met, and to be honest, it really REALLY inspired me to start writing more. And it also got me thinking. If she would have said what the book was about they wouldn’t have reacted the way they did, in other words, had they known that she didn’t mean it they obviously wouldn’t have gotten pissed like they did. The kids called her the Devil, because they claimed somewhere in the Bible there’s a scripture talking about the devil having blue eyes. I found this a very fitting name, not because I thought this woman was evil, on the contrary she was very nice, but because she tempted them in to a fit of rage, for her own well-being. It’s just one of those things that got me thinking and I suppose it won’t mean as much if anything to you guys, but I really got a lot out of it.
I gave this woman my E-mail address, and told her if she wanted to put the bus ride with a 16 year old boy (Me) and some crazy African Americans, she was more than welcome to ask me questions, through E-Mail. I also went on to tell her that I can see how they felt the next day before I tell them that they were in a sense Punk’d by the Devil with the Blue Eyes.
