Either Kill Me, Or Give Me A Life.

The moments I have to myself , moments where nothing at all can break my inner thoughts and wreck my concentration, those moments could be deadly for me. A few hours ago I found myself in a moment as previously stated. I realized a lot in that moment. I lead a life of complete and udder displeasure. For instance, it’s very hard for me to be religious, mainly because I can’t even grab hold of life, much less the after-life. It’s killing me because I want to full heartedly believe there is something better out there for me, but something keeps killing me inside. In other words, the bad is grossly out weighing the good. I feel that in 18 years of existence, this is as good as it’s going to get, and I hate it so what is that saying? I can’t just live a normal life. I can’t go through elementary, middle school, and high school like every one else, for Hayden Leitzke, every thing just has to be a spiraling helix leading straight to hell on earth. I can’t tell people when I’m graduating, because honestly, I don’t think the GED should count as such. I’m not saying getting it is a bad decision, it just doesn’t seem right for me. I could have accomplished so much more, but I had to be me. The doctors diagnosed me with all these disorders, and loaded me up with drugs, and I hate that. It’s like telling me you aren’t good enough for this world so we’ll make you better. So they give me all these pills, and so far that has fixed nothing. I full heartedly believe that if the world didn’t tell me something was wrong, there would have never been a problem in the first place. I have a very very fragile mind, and over the course of my life thus far, it has been corrupt with lies. And because of those lies, I have become what I am today, and because of this; important life decisions effecting my life can’t be made alone, nor could they be taken seriously. I might as well be a senior citizen trapped in the confines of a mind that is hanging on to existence by a thread. I don’t expect any one to understand what I’m going through, I just hope some one cares enough to read this and at least attempt to understand me. It’s a cluster of emotional distress thrown together out of pure hatred for my life. I hate the way things are looking for me. I need help, but I don’t think anyone on earth has the ability to do so. Signed, A lifeless waste of 18 years.